Some Problems In Christian Dating

I went into some of the factors that keep people getting together and marrying before. Some of those factors have to do with dating, but there are other factors out there which keep people from getting together. They are mostly all common to all men and women. Those are:

1. Don’t have unrealistic expectations of the partner you will accept.

I wrote of the tendency (of mainly women) to look for the absolute perfect in their minds and not accept anything less. The advice to not just settle for anyone and wait for “that special man set aside by the Lord just for you” causes this mindset.

Or as I could apply it to houses: I may want to live in a mansion with all the accoutrements, but should I not live in a house at all if that’s my perfect desire? Or find something that I can get by God’s grace, which may be what He thinks is good? I’m reminded of the joke about the man caught in the flood whose faith desired a miracle of God to save his life but wouldn’t accept what God sent his way. You may have this conception in your mind of the perfect mate, but God may have a totally different idea. Don’t reject “good enough” in the sight of God for the absolute perfect which doesn’t exist. Grace requires that we all settle for what is less than perfect, because God settled for us (men and women) who are completely disgusting in his sight.

2. Don’t follow the popular advice given in the church.

With the drive to purity that’s happened within the church, there have been teachings that are not only designed to push abstinence, but has had the effect of rendering men and women unable to communicate with one another. This happens due to the common segregation that occurs today (men’s and women’s ministries for instance), but also due to bad dating advice such as I Kissed Dating Goodbye which pushes abstinence for reasons beyond sexual motives and ultimately teaches single men and women to not have anything to do with each other at all for fear of fornication. That this impedes the normal interaction between men and women is without question. The end effect of “kissing data goodbye” seems to most certainly be kissing marriage goodbye as well.

Whether you are a man or woman, be sure you get into places where you can have normal interactions with members of the opposite sex. Interacting with members of the opposite sex is normal – how else do people meet one another to be married?

3. Learn to be confident in who you are and what you have to offer.

Self-confidence (and self-esteem!) before both God and others is an important factor. Be the person that God would be pleased in His love to match up with someone else. Seek to better your walk before God and better yourself as a person before others. Yet be confident for who you really are. Dalrock commenter Tracey provides an unfortunate sad example of a lack of confidence:

Sometimes I feel (yes, feel!) like guys want perfection, though. I’m no Scarlet Johannson or Kate Upton.

We are often our own harshest critics. But remember, that a genuinely good person who loves you is easy to please. Also, that when it comes to meeting people, we tend to teach others how to treat us. If we devalue ourselves, others will eventually believe us.

Work with God to be a better person (masculine or feminine) and learn to see the attractive parts that God made in you.

(please watch this video, it will be useful for the later discussion)

4. Don’t have wrong conceptions of how dating works.

One of Tracey’s misconceptions was that she just had to show up and the men would appear to ask her out on dates. I explained in the comment I linked to and Dalrock elaborated on that women have their own feminine form of pursuit which is almost always required for her to get any action. Generally put, people think of pursuit in terms of who asks on the date, and this loses the fact that both pursue in their own masculine and feminine ways. Looking at the video along with other resources will prove that a woman’s indicators of interest are literally the INITIATOR of interactions. Let me say that again, the woman is the one who pursues first! (See the video starting at 4:22-5:07)

Women, realize that you do have to put effort into things if you want a man. You might have to put a little more work into it than just a look and a smile, since a lot of men are pretty dull at these kinds of things. Regardless, realize that you might have to purposefully try to do some things if you don’t already.

5. Be socially open and available.

Notice where the eyes are of these women when it comes to the men.   No contact for those two!
Notice where the eyes are of these women when it comes to the men. No contact for those two!

A woman who is not socially open and is closed off (either through an activity or her friends) or even worse is putting out an angry, aggressive vibe (it’s common enough there’s a term for it) will not be bothered except by the most crass of men, who will inevitably be PUAs. (See the video at 5:45-6:22) If you want a gentleman, women, you need to make yourself a gentlewoman towards him to be approached. As the video notes, the women who get approaches are the ones who smile and make eye contact with the men. By contrast, notice where the eyes are of the women in the image to the left. No eye contact, and most certainly no smiles.

This is further reinforced by Janine Driver’s Body Language tips:

6. Center Yourself
7. Face the Action
8. Make Physical Contact

While they didn’t do an online video of it (I would have loved to embed it here, it’s a great illustration), the show sent two women (twins) into a bar and had one just sit at the bar and nurse her drink and the other be at the tables facing the crowd. Only one got approaches. Which one should be obvious.

Be willing to be socially available when you go out. If you are feeling anti-social, it’s probably best that you don’t go out with the goal of being successful socially. This is perhaps the biggest barrier that exists with Christian women, which shuts down the dating market.

6. Be willing to express yourself, but be Godly.

By all means, be willing and open while you are getting to know one another (see the video). If you are interested, be sure to show that you are. But be Godly. Be polite, don’t be crass, especially if you find out something about the man that’s on a reasonable list of non-negotiables. There’s an awful tendency for a woman to not politely reject a man, but give him a nuclear rejection that is heard and seen by all in the room.

In conclusion, I wanted to point out something in a Saturday Night Live video to pull some of this together.

Witness Paige and how she interacts with Vince Vaughn (yes obviously an alpha). From my bit of research, it seems the audience didn’t know he was going to do it. Notice how she reacts and shows her interest?

12 thoughts on “Some Problems In Christian Dating”

  1. I wasn’t sure what you meant by “interation” on your second point. Do you mean sex? Are you suggesting pre-marrital sex?
    I just wanna understand exactly what you meant. Good post though!


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